Pernahkah Kau Berpikir Kemana Hidup Akan Membawamu?

Pernahkah Kau Berpikir Kemana Hidup Akan Membawamu?

 

 A/N :

Ini adalah sekelumit pikiran yang berhasil aku terjemahkan dalam kata-kata. Aku harus publish sebagai pengingat. Aku nggak berharap ada yang baca, aku hanya mikir bagus kok buat dibaca orang, kalo kau pernah ngerasa bingung, kita bisa sharing. Tapi, karena aku pikir beberapa bagiannya sangat sensitif, lebih baik kau bisa bahasa Inggris, jika memang penasaran, karena aku tidak akan menuliskan terjemahannya. Don't ever grammarly read this, because I messed them. Beside, this my fucking journal not that damn English-class.

Have you thought about what your life leads into?
Have you planned how your life will be?
Have you built the dream you used to dream when you were child?

Have you done them?



I felt a stricken feeling towards my stomach when I typed these things. Because I did not know what to answer them. Was it yes? Or was it no? I did not exactly know.

Once upon a time where I still believed in magic, I dreamed as a writer who’d travel around the world. I did really want to visit place I could only imagine. I wanted everyone know that it’s me they see when I shared my story in each place I visited. It was a great dream. I never wanted to be a doctor, teacher (not permanently, I have considered about being English Teacher when I was in grade 4), police, actress, or any famous job. I wanted to be a writer. An author. It was a significant different aspiration when I was a child. And I felt it so strong in myself since then. I even wrote a messy half-ended novel when I was in Elementary school. Unpublised of course. But it felt like a big achievement for a start.

I knew I am different. Well, nobody’s the same at all. I did not know is it because I saw world from my own point of view or is it what people feel about me. Sometimes, I had a strong feeling if I left my own body, I’d be a completely different person.

When I was in Junior High School, I still held on that dear dream. I wanted to be a writer. Still, I did not know how to start. You must be think I did not do my best to try. Probably that was true. I just found joyness while I was writing for my paper. I often did them overdone. Like when my teacher only required us 2000 words, but I overwrote them 3000-4000. Fortunately, I had a companion at that time. She also enjoyed writing as much as I did, and when I came to write my second novel (I left the first one unfinished since I found out that I had to correct entire part of it, if I want to finish it), she encouraged me. She gave me advice, became my beta-reader, and when I came at the ‘Oh-My-God-I-Do-Not-Know-What-I-Am-Gonna-Do-After-This-Part’ syndrome (later I found out that the name of that kinda syndrome is Tabestry Syndrome), I have her as my collab’s colleague.

Still it left the story unfinished.

In High School, there came a point which I might recall them as turning-point. Which actually means I had to turn out my ambition, my single aspiration, my whole-life dream to live a new life. Sounded so dramatic, huh? But, I wrote what I feel. Maybe if I thought longer, later I would find out that being author is not enough. I got no name. And if I awared, I had a good prospect in having a main-job while I put ‘Writing’ as a side-job.

Vocational High School is something unthinkable. Unimaginable at that time. When I choosed my major, I admitted that I did not think longer. I should think longer. At time, I was so naïve (or fool?). I thought I have thought about everything. I thought it would be a nice thing. For your information, I think it runs in my veins, a desire to be different. An urge to be unique. And I did feel it since I choosed Writer as my aspiration back where I was child. I couldn’t say that I might have possibility to be a hubris. Hubris which means deadly pride, thinking you can do things better than anyone else. I thought I knew it, though sometimes I felt the same. Myself knew it better than me.

I felt like I came into a strange land, and start everything from zero. I know I shouldn’t be panic nor overreacted. But remember, I hate to be beaten down. I hate to be a loser. I hate to be number two, or three, anything but one. I recalled a memory when I was in grade 8, I got number two in class rank and I cried out loud. What a shame.

But you are not me and thus you can not fully understand me. Remember about hubris? I thought that was the first time I got it. I always be number one when I was grade 7. And being tickled is not funny. All I’ve got when I was in school is only studying accomplishment. I’ve been inactive in school organization. I hated to attend scout session. The point is I’m incapable of anything but formal lessons.

Wait for seconds to laugh.

Am I the most interesting hubris you’ve ever seen? Feeling so deadly pride but at the same time, prideless.

Now, let us back to the part where I should be enjoying my high school period.

The fact is my life is two-sided coin. I knew life always is. But I did feel it stronger. I felt happy and unhappy. I felt hubris and prideless. I enjoy and mourn. Like, I did them twice. Depends on which side you asked me. I knew being in my major is unwanted at that time. Like it was the last major you want to be joined. But I choosed it as my first preference. I felt (yeah) deadly pride at that time. Which should be I shouldn’t.

I thought with my marks I gained in school, I could be number one. Yes, I could be. But this is the place where your marks are not noticed. This is the place where you’ve got skill, you win. Which means I gained my biggest loses in my life.

Things about me you should know is, I am hardly believe in myself again once I’ve got beaten down several times. I knew it is lame. But that was me.

Some friends maybe remark me as a low self-faith personal which can be true, if we recall the events in my life. I did have low percent of self-faith. I can’t believe myself that much. People ever said that knowing your weakness better than your strength. Maybe I did knowing them too well.

Now, even after I brought an official acknowledgment, world like laughs at me. Laughs so hard. That kind of laugh which will turn your stomach down. Why can’t I have what I want? (Don’t talk about God here. I know He is there. He took a part. He designed my life, from the very beginning to the last end. He knew the end before I knew it myself. It’s just I did not want to be sounded so theological nor religious. It’d be not so me.)

I just wanna live my dream. Is it too much to ask? I just wanna do what I’d like to do. For whole life, I can do. I love studying literatures, I love reading, I even love writing though I have Tabestry Syndrome. And if it’s too much, why can’t I be the major I want? I love designing. I love creative ideas popping up my heads when I need them. I love coloring (lame, I knew). If maybe I am not required to be the first major I encountered, why can’t I be in second? I have learned them back in my high school.


Life is unfair. I just don’t get used to it.

When I was rejected twice, I cried. For hubris like me, what can we do if our pride kicked down? Nothing.

Now, I knew it must be a bad thing to start. When I finally was accepted, Is should feel thankful. And I did. I tried to. At least, I blame the system not life or God Himself. And I hope I did it well.

I will live my dream. I wish I could live them. I should be a half-hubris, half-prideless. I shall see that dream can be lived in any way, if we are meant to. And I mean it.

Sometimes you need your pride held high, and sometimes you have your pride held down.

Because you simply cannot draw these things out forever.
At some point, you just pull off the Band-Aid and it hurts, but then it's over and you're relieved.

And don’t ever scratch your wounds. It’d be bleeding again. And the circle starts again.








p.s : You can check my about (or contact me p2p) if you consider to know me better after reading this.